i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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