So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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