He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
