idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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