So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
