i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm having to shit out rocks
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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