dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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