i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
