Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I pour the whiskey from now on
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
