so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
