Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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