These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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