The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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