R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
