Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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