You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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