She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
