i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
