i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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