life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I came so hard my ears popped.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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