if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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