I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
