none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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