Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
