you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You were trust falling into bushes
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
