I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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