U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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