Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
