Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
