She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
