drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
