so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
