my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
