Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
BRING THE BAGELS
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
