Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
