Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
