I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
