how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
