JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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