theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
