Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize
