he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
