Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Pooping to opera.
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