I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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