before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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