he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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