Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
