I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize