I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
