OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
MIDGETS
????
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
