yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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