weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
