Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
