Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize