Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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