I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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