I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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