Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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