listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
