Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
