There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
