there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We're not piercing ourselves today.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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