Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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