have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
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