remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
