I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it was like eating out sand paper
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
