I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my being single is dangerous.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
