If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
