who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
