No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
