Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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